Motherhood: Exploring Blame in Psychological and Medical Studies

What began as a casual observation in her clinic soon emerged as a clear pattern in psychological and medical circles. This trend was also supported by respected academic journals, like the American Journal of Orthopsychiatry and The International Journal of Psychoanalysis.

Does this mean that studies, universities, and researchers all conclude that mothers are responsible for psychological issues? The surprising part, my friend, is that this pattern isn’t limited to psychiatry—mothers are also held responsible for their children’s physical health issues. In many studies, mothers are even blamed for their children’s weight gain. And mothers themselves are aware of this, too.

Mothers Under Scrutiny: The Social and Psychological Toll of Blame

Around 85% of mothers know that blame will inevitably fall on them. Two-thirds of mothers have admitted to receiving harsh or negative comments from family members or even strangers, in the form of accusations or remarks like, “You must be neglecting him! Not caring for him! Just feeding him anything!” A third of mothers confessed that visiting the pediatrician has become a psychological burden because of the lecture they get about their children’s weight and health.

So, what is mothers’ response to all of this? In a study conducted on a Finnish forum called VauvaFi, from 2015 to 2021, researchers examined a sample of 331 online posts about childhood obesity. They found that mothers often took a defensive stance, consistently defending themselves against accusations of neglect by highlighting the healthy habits they follow for their children, or attributing obesity to factors outside the family. In some cases, mothers blamed each other for being neglectful.

When this study was repeated across multiple countries—countries considered to be advanced, no less—the same results appeared. Mothers seem trapped in a corner: either they are being accused, or they are defending themselves. Of course, you might say these studies are biased against mothers, or you might believe these findings are accurate. We do sometimes see mothers as a cause of their children’s failures. But before I answer that question, I want to explain what motherhood really is, to discuss this concept and what it truly means.

The Concept of Motherhood: A Historical and Symbolic Role Beyond Biology

I want to explain what motherhood really is, to talk about this concept and what it means. According to Sara Ruddick, motherhood is about practice. “Is there a theoretical test for motherhood?” she asks, suggesting that motherhood is choosing the responsibility of caring for a child. In this sense, motherhood involves choice and the effort required to care for a child—a broader concept than just biological motherhood.

Motherhood, then, isn’t gender-specific. What I mean is that if a man chooses to care for a child and puts in the necessary effort, he too practices motherhood. This concept is broad enough to include anyone who takes on this role.

Historically, however, things didn’t start out this way. According to the Encyclopedia Britannica, nearly every civilization, starting from the Stone Age, had a concept of a Mother Goddess. Civilizations honored motherhood and revered mothers, attributing supernatural powers to them and elevating them to a god-like status.

This wasn’t by chance. Simply put, men often died, so motherhood became associated with fertility, birth, and the renewal of life through each new generation. A prime example of this is Isis, whom the Encyclopedia Britannica considers a role model for all women.

If you’re unfamiliar, Isis is a legendary Egyptian goddess who was worshipped throughout the ancient world, from Egypt all the way to Europe and Afghanistan, as the ultimate “Super Mother.” When Set, the god of chaos and her husband’s brother, killed Osiris (the king and her husband), Set tore him into pieces and scattered these pieces across Egypt. Here, Isis, the “Super Mother,” gathered her husband’s fragments, and through her healing and protective power, she conceived Horus with Osiris.

“I want to be a mother!” she declared, and indeed, she bore Horus. She then protected and trained Horus until he was ready to face his uncle Set and defeat him. According to sources, Isis was initially an obscure goddess, relatively unknown in Egypt until the Dynastic Period, when the role of the mother became central. Her duty included raising the crown prince, who would become the next king.

This role of motherhood carried the weight of preparing a future king—a crucial role. So, it was only natural that a legend would emerge to glorify this important position.

Motherhood in History: A Practical Role Shaped by Politics and Social Needs

Historically, motherhood wasn’t glorified for its own sake, nor as a nurturing bond between mother and child. Instead, it was valued for its political role in preparing the heir. That’s why we have mothers—to ensure that the heir, our future hero, follows in the footsteps of figures like Horus.

We see this pattern repeated throughout history. Take, for example, Europe. According to historian Denise Somerfield, there was little interest in the mother-child relationship until the 17th century. In European history, children were viewed mainly as resources to serve the father. It was a practical arrangement where the father benefited from the children’s help in farming and production.

Many children died of natural causes, but if they ever became a burden, they could be sold, abandoned, or sent elsewhere to places that needed labor. This harsh treatment led philosophers and religious figures to urge society not to discard children so carelessly. They argued that children were innocent, capable of learning, and deserving of the connection with their mother, who provided warmth and care.

Different philosophers defended the mother-child bond in various ways. In the Middle Ages, for instance, the idea that breastfeeding was beneficial began to spread. But, unfortunately, breastfeeding was mainly a practice among the poor. Wealthy families often hired wet nurses, and many mothers avoided breastfeeding altogether. This was because breastfeeding could delay future pregnancies for a year or two, and many families wanted more children for labor. Additionally, breastfeeding was believed to impact sexual intimacy.

So why invest in bonding with just one child? The priorities were clear—reproductive and personal desires took precedence over the needs of the individual child. The small, vulnerable human being was often overlooked.

This continued until the 17th century, when a spike in child mortality rates posed a threat to society itself. Only then, out of necessity rather than choice, did society begin to place more importance on the family bond.

How Modern Theories Heightened the Pressure on Mothers

After centuries of overlooking the mother-child relationship—as a concept, as if the idea of motherhood itself barely existed—the image of the “heroic mother” began to reemerge. The ideal mother was now the one who tended to her children, with children attached to her, a loving husband, and the respect of society. Philosophers like John Locke appeared, promoting these ideals in works like Some Thoughts Concerning Education. Locke described the child as a blank slate, and the parents’ primary role was to shape this blank slate into someone beneficial to society.

By the 20th century, this view intensified, especially with Sigmund Freud’s theories. Freud argued, “If childhood is filled with understanding and encouragement, the child will grow up well-adjusted. The mother’s role is to identify any issues and address them; otherwise, the child will suffer.” According to Freud, if a mother couldn’t do this, it was due to her own immaturity, often attributed to a lack of proper upbringing herself. Freud’s view placed the blame for children’s negative behaviors squarely on the mother: “If you’re acting out, it’s because your mother was immature. She’s at fault.”

Then, in the 1950s, John Bowlby’s theories emerged, asserting that most psychological and physical issues in children stemmed from a lack of maternal presence and love. Bowlby cautioned against mothers being away from their children, even for brief periods. This transformed motherhood into an “infinity shift” without weekends, official holidays, or even a couple of hours’ rest.

These ideas weren’t just proposed by men but by women as well. Many women contributed to theories that either sanctified the role of the mother or fueled a cycle of blame, where there had to be a “bad mother,” setting a standard by which other mothers appeared “good” in comparison.

A significant number of theories turned the mother-child relationship into a linear one, where the mother’s actions directly caused the child’s behavior, as if no other factors were at play. This placed enormous responsibility on mothers, who became the primary figures accountable for a child’s growth and development, making countless decisions even before the child’s birth. Any issues or mistakes that children made became, ultimately, the mother’s fault.

The Modern Myth of Motherhood: Expectations and Realities

While the legend of Isis was created to highlight the queen’s role in ancient dynasties and her preparation of the new heir, the modern era needed a new myth—a fresh reference, as Isis became outdated. It was essential to convince mothers to take on this responsibility, not only as a scientific finding but as their life’s mission.

Sharon Hays explains that the modern myth of motherhood has several pillars:

1. Essentialism: The mother is the most vital person in a child’s life, more important than the father or anyone else.
2. Stimulation: The mother’s role is to stimulate, teach, and develop the child. Modern mothers are constantly busy—taking their kids to practice, providing enriching toys, engaging in discussions, and filling their children’s time in the “right” way. She is also expected to be the “Doctor Mom,” knowing when her child is sick and predicting any future illnesses.
3. Child-Centered: The mother’s entire life revolves around her child.
4. Fulfillment: This role is supposed to bring joy and happiness to the mother, even as she sets aside her own needs.
5. Challenging: We acknowledge that motherhood is difficult and demanding, and in turn, we celebrate her for it—recognizing the weight of breastfeeding, upbringing, care, and expertise in child development.

This modern myth has become somewhat of a taboo, creating assumptions that cannot be easily contested. For example, the belief that motherhood is an innate instinct, even though science tells us that some mothers only begin to feel this bond after birth, and for some, it doesn’t develop at all. While they may be rare, not every woman feels this connection instinctively. Furthermore, some may not have chosen to become mothers in the first place.

The problem arises when even the mothers who embody this idealized version of motherhood—the “Isis” or the “Super Mommy”—find that science offers no clear formula or fixed prescription for how to mother perfectly.

Shifting Standards and the ‘Mommy Wars’: The Pressure to Be a Perfect Mother

Researcher Martha Wolfenstein observed that in the 1950s, child-rearing guidelines in America shifted four times within just 37 years, from 1914 to 1951. This means entire generations were being re-educated with new advice, with each generation often rejecting the methods of the previous one. According to Sommerfeld, mothers would frequently find that their previous parenting practices were now deemed incorrect. This cycle of evolving child-rearing philosophies led children to believe they were raised “wrongly,” as new theories constantly emerged.

At times, the message was, “You’re being too lenient, raise them with more discipline!” Other times, it shifted to, “You’re too strict, give them more freedom!” This inconsistency spanned all aspects of parenting, from breastfeeding to nurturing styles. For instance, if a mother maintained a close, protective relationship with her children, she might be labeled “overprotective.” Conversely, if she allowed them space to experience the world, she might be considered “neglectful.”

This judgment often comes from other mothers. In her book Push Back, obstetrician Amy Tuteur, a mother of four, suggests that motherhood has become a social identity—a self-image that mothers must continually reinforce. One of the strongest competitions in this realm is the “Mommy Wars.” Here, some mothers bolster their own image by criticizing others. This escalates as the “standards” of motherhood continuously climb. To see herself as a “better mother” in the eyes of herself, her community, and her children, a mother may feel pressured to do more—to add more layers to her care, lest she be judged by others. This results in a cycle where mothers feel compelled to push themselves and their children harder, as well as each other.

The reality is that each mother is captive to an ideal that exceeds her natural capabilities. She is left isolated, with the only way to boost her self-worth often being to criticize the mothering of others. It’s difficult for a mother to wait until her children are fully grown to see whether her 20-year experiment in parenting was “right” or “wrong.” Thus, judgment is ongoing, providing each mother with reassurance that her choices are valid.

According to Amy Tuteur, a mother “can control the process but cannot control the outcome.” Each mother sacrifices a great deal to meet the expectations of this myth, continuously validating her own choices while maintaining the belief that they are the “right” ones—especially if society and other mothers are ready to criticize her at any misstep.

The Invisible Burden: Guilt and the Hidden Pressures of Modern Motherhood

While Isis, thousands of years ago, transformed from an obscure goddess into a symbol worshiped across the ancient world as the ultimate mother, today’s modern mother is burdened with a new myth that expects her to be a modern-day “Isis.” However, rather than becoming iconic or celebrated, this weight often results in an invisible and silenced presence.

The first kind of invisibility is psychological. In her book How to Mend: On Motherhood and Its Ghosts, writer Iman Mersal notes that modern motherhood is split into two parts. The first is the “public motherhood” or the “display case,” where the perfect mother is shown off. But behind this facade is the second part, which she calls “the marginalized motherhood.” Here, mothers hide their feelings of one common emotion: guilt. Mersal suggests that despite the differences among mothers, one universal thread among them all is this constant sense of guilt—guilt arising from the fact that somewhere, another mother has made a different choice that turned out well.

While Mersal discusses this openly, a more literary portrayal of this guilt appears in The Lost Daughter, a novel about a university professor who left her children for three years to pursue her personal goals. This mother lives with a constant sense of guilt as she navigates the conflict between her identity, her career, and her motherhood. Interestingly, the Italian author of the novel, Elena Ferrante, whose work has sold 15 million copies and been translated into 45 languages, is herself a mystery, writing under a pseudonym. She remains completely anonymous, with only her publisher knowing her true identity. Ferrante’s decision to remain invisible raises the question: could her anonymity be tied to the fact that she is a mother who, in her work, explores taboo themes—like the burdens of motherhood or the hidden desire some women feel to break free from it?

In her book Writers and Solitude, Nora Naji suggests that perhaps Ferrante is a mother who understands that, should her readers discover her true identity, her critiques of motherhood might lead to harsh judgment. To protect her freedom of expression, Ferrante sacrifices her personal visibility. Naji fittingly titles her chapter about Ferrante “The Liberation from Maternal Guilt,” reflecting how Ferrante’s anonymity allows her to openly challenge the burdens and expectations imposed on mothers.

The Hidden Desire for Escape: The Real Pressures Behind the ‘Superwoman’ Myth in Motherhood

While there’s emotional and literary invisibility for mothers, some even wish for an actual physical disappearance—a magical escape from all the pressures of motherhood. Did you know there’s something called the “Hospital Fantasy”? Dr. Sheryl Ziegler, a researcher and mother of three, describes a time when she was hospitalized for two days. Alone in her room, watching TV, with nurses attending to her, she experienced a surprising sense of relief despite her pain. For the first time, she wasn’t the caregiver; she was being cared for. She was a mother at peace, enjoying calm visits from her kids in a setting where she could finally pause.

Researcher Alcorn Katrina notes that this “hospital fantasy,” or longing for a restful stay in the hospital, is surprisingly common among mothers. Many even imagine minor accidents just to get a temporary “break” from motherhood without the guilt. They crave a moment to breathe and a chance to step away, however briefly, from the weight of their daily responsibilities.

Mothers are expected to embody the role of a “Superwoman”—once the domain of temple goddesses and mythical figures—as ordinary humans without superhuman powers. Many find themselves withdrawing emotionally, literarily, and even fantasizing about physical retreat to escape an overwhelming image they’re expected to live up to. If they don’t meet these unrealistic standards, they risk falling into a cycle of perpetual guilt.

This doesn’t mean these mothers don’t love being mothers; rather, it reflects the intense responsibility that often heightens their guilt. This guilt trap is set by societal expectations, judgments from other mothers, and a culture that idealizes and romanticizes motherhood beyond reason.

And what about the children in all of this? They’re cherished and deserve care, time, and attention—they didn’t ask to be born; their parents made that choice. The child is, of course, important. But, according to these writers, they are not the only important figure. Both the child and the mother matter equally, with each deserving support, understanding, and compassion.

The Unseen Bias in Parenting Expectations: Shifting the Blame from Mothers to a Broader Perspective

When we talked about fathers, we noted how often they are sidelined, with the spotlight almost exclusively on mothers. Most studies and books focus on motherhood, but we’ve seen that too much focus can be harmful, obscuring a hidden and unscientific bias. Many recent studies are beginning to address this bias, viewing theories that place sole responsibility on mothers for children’s psychological issues as “artifacts of history”—outdated, flawed, and overly simplistic notions. Human development is far more complex, influenced by biological, psychological, and social factors, as well as the environment surrounding the child.

Yes, parents play an essential role, but they are only part of a much larger, interconnected system. Before rushing to blame mothers for the difficulties their children might encounter, it’s crucial to recognize how the context has shifted. In the past, families were often embedded in extended kin networks: uncles, aunts, neighbors, or even an entire village lived close by or even in the same household. The responsibility of raising children wasn’t the burden of just one person; it was distributed across the community. Parents took care of their children with the help of others in their community, sharing the responsibilities and supporting each other.

This isn’t to say that this setup was wholly positive or without its own challenges, but it does mean that the burdens mothers now carry alone were once shared with a broader circle of support.

Ultimately, I hope this discussion resonates with mothers, offering them a sense of validation and understanding in a world where they are often expected to do it all.